Taken out my front window in Provo on 12/25/2008
The last time we had this much snow on Christmas day I was a little kid! It’s amazing, especially considering I have a season pass to Sundance with my girlfriend! This is going to be an awesome snow season!
To be perfectly honest I haven’t been in the Christmas mood this year. I just ended a horrible semester, with 3 classes that I will retake next semester due to lost homework (I turned it in, but I can’t do anything about them losing it…), no late homework policies, and missed finals (my test ends early on the last day of finals? Whaaa?!?!?!). At least I have a head start on next semester eh? I mean, I know most of the material so… I guess I’ll have more time for snowboarding! But even this “avoid the truth because it’s painful to look at” kind of optimism isn’t doing its normally stellar-job of masking reality this time. To be perfectly blunt, my life is a wreck right now. In all aspects of my life that I deem important, I’m failing. For example:
- School – 3 out of 4 classes I took this last semester will be retaken next semester.
- Work – I haven’t worked as hard as I feel I should have at my job.
- Money – I have lots of debt, and my expenses are more than my income.
- Health – I’ve been eating poorly and I haven’t been exercising regularly.
- God – Well, that’s the worst part, and I believe the cause of all my other problems. I don’t feel close to him, at least not on an ongoing, regular basis.
Ahhh, a healthy dose of blunt reality is painfully brisk, like alcohol on an open sore. Like I wrote in my last bullet – my relationship with God affects the rest of my life. My personality is such that I need God constantly in my life or immediately my life becomes unmanageable. That sounds extreme, but my last semester is a prime example. The problem is, sometimes it seems that God is inaccessible, or that to have him close to me I have to fast from everything else in life. I get that hollow, hungry feeling just thinking about giving up the things I’ve used to replace him in my life; my courage fails and I settle back down in my comfortable state, using tricks to distract myself from the real hunger inside me.
However, I know that my life (and the answer to my problems) is more simple than the tangled knot I’ve made it. The other day I was watching a short video “Joy to the World” that my Church gives out. I realized, and this was a total “Duh you idiot! Are you blind?!” moment, but that I really had been carrying all my burdens (see above bullets for an example) by myself. I remember reading Pilgrims Progress by John Bunyan when I was much younger. I recall being confused with a lot of the symbolism in the book; in particular the burden that the hero of the story, Christian, carries. If I recall correctly, and it’s been years since I read this book, he comes to a realization of his sad, burdened state, and he starts to have faith in Jesus Christ. In that moment Christian’s burden falls off. Just like that, magic. While I was watching “Joy to the World”, I realized that I had such a burden. I realized also that Jesus Christ can lift it off my shoulders.
This year I am going to do it right. I am turned off to the idea of New Years Resolutions, but I love new resolutions. I’m starting early this year. Tomorrow. Really, I think Christmas is a better time to renew our faith in whatever God we worship, to re-establish our priorities, and to rekindle our love for our fellow man. I know what I need to do to start the process, and I have faith again that instead of feeling hunger when I leave behind bad habits and destructive behavior, I will be facing God and I will feel a fullness of the soul that is absent from any other source. In Ilonggo it’s called “ang pagtalikod sa mga sala” – the word “pagtalikod” meaning a literal turing your back on something, and in this case it’s a ‘turning away from error’. Having faith in Christ is really the first step, because faith is the fuel to doing many great things, and many small things, like taking another step forward.
Although I didn’t feel the Christmas Spirit this year, I did feel the Spirit. I am grateful for my Saviour, that he was born on the earth, lived a perfect life, loved each one of us enough to pay for our sins, and died on the cross to complete the Reconciliation of man and God, our Heavenly Father. I hope that everyone can feel that gratitude and the peace that comes from knowing you are loved by God. Merry Christmas.
Outside my bedroom 12/25/2008
Bradford, you are so eloquent. I wish I could express myself half as well as you do. It was a rough semester. I’m sorry I didn’t always recognize that. The best thing about new resolutions is that they can be set on any given day, they aren’t reserved just for a new year. It really is a special time of year isn’t it? Even without feeling much of the Christmas Spirit its still pretty special, and different from any other time of year.
Awesome. Makes a mother proud!