Harmless Extremism

I do everything extremely well. I really do! Whether it is good or bad, I do it well. I suffer from what could be described a harmless extremism. When I am dedicated to school, I am an extremely good student – 4.0 even (two prior semesters are proof) – and when I am impossibly dedicated the drain is nearly physical. In this state I have, and consequently am, no fun.

In contrast, when I am not dedicated and not driven by a fire under me, I am a poor student by most standards. I do whatever I can do to avoid schoolwork. Of course, getting behind is a snowball effect; who wants to do the current homework plus last week’s too? Not me! I’d rather write a blog! Or check out ‘the’ Facebook. Or play a friendly 30 minute game of Team Fortress 2 online and light spies on fire with my flame thrower (I hate spies) – only to realize that two hours later I’d been telling myself “Just one more round”, dreading the great homework monster that lived in my backpack. Sitting. Slumped. By the computer. Drooling. No, just kidding. It doesn’t drool. I could write for days on my lack of dedication, but that’s only because at the core I am a perfectionist, and as any perfectionist, will readily admit this to myself (and no one else, of course).

The ideal, to me, is balance. That is a popular opinion. What isn’t a consensus, however, is specifically what balance IS. Is it equal measure of good and bad? Fun and work? Meat and vegetables? If I spent 50% of my available time devoted to play and 50% devoted to work and school, I would be poor and stupid. “Poor stupid Bradford…” people would say.

When I am so dedicated to school and other noble efforts I do well, at first, but I eventually break. Ultimately I would accomplish more if, instead of pushing myself too hard until I break and becoming inert, I gave myself time to do things that are fulfilling, relieving, and relaxing. Music, writing, and reading are those to me. Surprisingly I don’t get much of that in my Digital Logic and Linear Algebra classes this semester. While I love the degree I am in, it dries me up. I feel like I am a juicy sponge (please don’t take THAT out of context!) thrown in a bag of salt. At the end of a semester I feel brittle … used up. I feel, as the wise Hobbit Bilbo Baggins said, “like butter spread over too much bread ”. Ju, call me a nerd because I’m quoting Bilbo.

The time that I have felt the most balanced, the most healthy (mentally, physically, and spiritually) was when I was studying the scriptures AND (this second part is as important as the first) writing in my journal at the end of the day. I saw each day with clarity. I saw where I failed, I saw where I triumphed. Sadly, this sort of daily study and introspection is not a habit for me. However, as this is my blog of change, it my mission to make a habit of it and find balance in every part of my life.

To mark my progress in this new venture I am adding a new symbol to my calendar. The ☼ symbol will be added to days where my study fits these criteria:

• Study gospel writings at least 15 minutes. This can include scripture or uplifting books.
• Study the Book of Mormon at least 15 minutes.
• Write in my study journal about what I read – and apply it to myself.
• Write in my personal journal at the end of the day. Find and write about at least one thought, feeling, occurrence where I saw the hand of God in my life.
• Feel the Holy Ghost.

The last criterion is the most important. I know that there are some things that we cannot change by ourselves. I believe myself very qualified to make that statement; like most I have spend much of my life aware of flaws in myself and trying to fix them unsuccessfully. Our Heavenly Father can change us if we let him, and he does that through the Holy Ghost and the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I feel more hope about this emphasis on balance and my approach than I have felt in a very long time. We’ll see where this takes me. Perhaps I can even accomplish the impossibly ideal: happiness in spite of circumstance. Any circumstance. Like I said, we’ll see.

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Now playing: Acceptance – So Contagious